Seven Spheres of Life: Relationships

At the restaurant yesterday, I asked for a Mango drink. Mango nectar and water. It was delicious.

As I sipped it, I began thinking about some of my favorite people. They qualify as delicious also. Without them my life would be less.

Naturally, I also thought briefly of some other relationships I have had. Bitter. Distasteful. Spit-it-out bad.

Relationships.

We have many kinds of realtionships.
Co-workers
Family
Recreation team members
Church friends
Drinking buddies
Club members

And there are acquaintances – people you know casually, but don’t spend social time with.

How can I look at a relationship to determine if it is Mango delicious, or Spit-it-out harmful?

Do you remember anyone teaching you how to make friends? I don’t. Mr Rogers may have for lots of people. I grew up without TV.

I did learn the Biblical injunction: if you want friends you must be friendly.

In my mid-twenties I got divorced. Suddenly the social group that I had considered ‘friends’ were unfriendly. I don’t remember getting unfriendly. But, I was no longer included in the invites.

I worked for the church, I socialized with church members. It would be pretty accurate to say that I had no close friends outside of work and church.

No, don’t feel sad for me.

I learned a lot. I matured a lot.

Looking back at the experiences surrounding the divorce, I began to recognize some clues that should have warned me about the unhealthy relationships that wove around in my life.

Let’s focus on the positive qualities of a healthy relationship. By understanding healthy relationships, unhealthy ones will become obvious.

Maslow wrote about human needs and developed what is known as “Maslow’s hierarchy of needs” an ordered list of five things that humans must have. Click here to study this topic.

Relationships occupy the middle position, right after Physical needs and Safety needs.

Good Relationships are the anchor points that enable us to feel good about ourselves and achieve our full potential.

Friends help us move into the Fifth Level of Maslow’s Hierarchy, where we are empowered to reach our full potential.

But it’s an obvious point that some relationships make us have negative feelings about ourselves and drag us away from “self-actualization” or, reaching for the stars.

How do I go about measuring a relationship to see if it is diminishing me or elevating me?

A real evaluation will involve writing.

Just thinking about it probably won’t accomplish the goal.

Start by making a list of your friends and acquaintances – a written list.

Then look at and think about each individual and your relationship with him or her. Take notes.

There are some simple, straight-forward ways to get a true picture of a relationship.

How do I feel about myself and my goals for myself after spending time with _____? (Fill in the blank with a name.) Be honest with yourself. Just get the feeling.

Feelings can be more accurate than logic.

A person may be connected to many parts of your work or personal life. But the relationship may be bad for you.

Don’t look at family connections right now. If you are in a committed relationship, and you are questioning whether it is healthy, evaluate your contribution to the relationship and determine what You can do to make it better.

Some times an unhealthy friendship can be turned around when you work on being the friend the other person needs.

It’s okay to change.

It’s okay to inspire others to change.

Friendships involve Giving and Taking. Both parties need to do both – Give and Take.

A person who only takes from you will drain you, and leave little for you to give yourself.

Evaluate your role. Are you balanced? Giver and Taker?

There are quizzes online that you can take to evaluate relationships. Most of them have to do with romantic relationships.

A good relationship has certain qualities:
Respect – mutual, both directions
Trust
Honesty
Acceptance – of individuality, of differences
Communication – open, as equals
Self-control – emotional and physical
Value places value on your personal goals

Think about a friend. Take one of the ingredients from the list of qualities and assign a value between Negative 5 and Positive 5 for how that person demonstrates Respect for you.

Then take the next quality and evaluate. (I have a form in the Worksheet to help with this.)

Relationship Sphere Worksheet

The hard part might be what you need to do when you realize that a relationship is damaging you.

You can try to communicate with the person and ask him or her to change. But my experiences have caused me to believe that there are people who are takers, and they don’t see a need to change.

Sometimes there really is only one choice: end the relationship. Move that person to the Acquaintance List.

I’d love to hear your comments on this post. Positive or negative. How could I make the post better?

Thank you for reading.

Questioning

For the first time in 18 months I find myself on Tuesday with no finished article written for my blog. I will recover.

I’m questioning my message. My passion stated early in the process was “to share my Elder Wisdom”. I became convinced that the niche was too broad to really be a niche and attract followers/readers.

I changed my focus to Reaching One’s Goals in Life.

I began working on the idea of Goals within the Seven Spheres of Life.

This week was for the Relationships Sphere.

The message and worksheet are not ready for publication.


There was still no rush to join my group of readers.

In addition, I’ve had a number of technical problems recently that have perplexed me and sapped my energies:

my RSS feed disappeared;
my Mailchimp account quit working with the Sign-Up pop-up/link;
several hundred readers visited my site with no new subscribers enrolled;
my attempts to engage an expert in WordPress and podcast have so far been unproductive.

Made me question my message.

Covered me in discouragement.

I shall return.

Seven Spheres of Life: Spiritual

In case last week’s Make-Your-Fuzzy-Goals-Clear tasks have not clarified your Life Goals, this week we will take your search a few more steps in the direction of “I Can Do This.”

The starting point for every Achievement is a Goal.

I had a good job in a California public school. The pay was good and the retirement package was amazing. It seemed to me that I was set.

While visiting my parents in Maine I received a phone call. This was before cell phones. I still don’t know how the caller found my parent’s home phone number – or knew that I was there.

A school superintendent in Georgia was on the line asking if I would consider taking a job in a small school in Tennessee. A church school.

I hung up without giving an answer to the superintendent, and told my parents what the call was about.

My dad could ask powerful questions. “Do you believe that God helped the call get through?” he asked me.

I thought for a couple hours before I answered.
It wasn’t that it took me that long to find the answer.
It took me that long to own the answer.

“Yes,” I finally conceded. “I don’t see how it could be anything else.”

“When God calls, how should you answer?” he continued.

Our most important goal had always been “Be where God wants us to work.

We spent nine years at that school. Some of the best years of our lives.

What were we able to achieve by responding to God’s call?

Every person lives in Seven Spheres of Life.

So Goals naturally arise within one of these Spheres and often cross over into others..

Focusing on a specific Sphere helps to Identify what you want within that community.

These Seven exist together in a hierarchy – an order of importance and command.

Over the next 6 weeks we will look carefully at each one.

Spiritual Life sits at the top of my Seven Spheres of Life Goals.

I am convinced that God is God and that He wants to guide me in this earthly life so that I am qualified to live with Him for Eternity. Since He can see the end from the beginning,

He is more qualified to guide me than I am to guide myself.

As I said in the opening story, I want to be where God wants me to work. That is my Goal in my Spiritual Sphere.

I stated ‘work’ above in my goal. According to the Bible, every person is given a work to do.

The story that Jesus told of the Talents emphasizes that every servant was given at least one talent and was instructed to work with it.

When I am working where God places me, He will also be leading me in other spheres of my life. I will make better Life Goals than if I trust in my hopes and plans for the future.

You may not have made the same choice. But you have a Spiritual Life anyway, because God made you that way.

What personal goals do you have on your list that fit into your Spiritual Life?

Every achievement starts out as a goal.

God’s goal for us in this sphere is that we “become like Him.”
What is He like?

He describes Himself and His followers in these terms:
Loving
Joyful
Peaceful
Patient
Gentle
Good
Kind
Faithful
Self controlled

If you are struggling to identify a Spiritual Goal for yourself, adopt one from that list and work on it.

It is a Law of the Universe: You will become like the god that you worship.
History reveals this to be true.

To become more like Heavenly Father God, you must learn more about Him and spend time talking with and listening to Him.

Read the Bible. Begin with the Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.

Find a Christian Church Fellowship that focuses on the Love of God. Get in a Study Group and participate.

Begin to look for evidences of His working in your life.

Get out into Nature and look at the flowers, birds, butterflies – actually everything in Nature testifies of a Loving Creator God.

Create your list of goals for your Spiritual Life Sphere.

Download a Worksheet here. Spiritual Sphere Worksheet

Look carefully at the Fuzzy picture and then the Clear picture. They are the same photo.

The clear one makes sense. That’s true of goals also.

The clear ones make sense.

If you are unclear about the label on the clear photo, look up “The Lion of the Tribe of Judah” He wants to be the Lion of your life too.

Next week we will continue with Goals in the Seven Spheres of Life.

Let me know what you think of this post. What have you experienced in your Spiritual Life? What questions do you still have?

Use the Comments box below or email me: eldon@eldonroberts.com

How to Focus Fuzzy Goals


Not every goal in life presents itself with a bulls-eye clearly marked.

Sometimes you know you want or need to move your life in a new direction, you see the direction, but can’t quite get the destination clear.

Better health. College degree. Happy life. Get a job. Publish a novel. Find a church. Get out of debt. Get married.

Those are all examples of Fuzzy Goals.

Reachable goals are focused.

A couple years ago I was lying in bed recovering from cancer surgery. I needed a goal or two that would keep me fighting to get well.

Browsing through Facebook I saw an ad for a webinar by a Blog Guru. It promised that I could learn to be a blogger and make money from the work. I bought the course and studied, and worked through the Modules.

I am fortunate to have opinions, and my college minor was English, so I had no difficulty writing blog posts. I count 60 posts that I have published.

But I have attracted only a dozen subscribers. A typical week sees only 4 who actually read the posts.

Something is wrong.

I have come to understand that my goal was unclear. Fuzzy.

My fuzzy goal was to ‘help people’ who wanted to reach Life Goals (again, Fuzzy).

An interesting thing about working toward a fuzzy goal is that when you get close to the target, you’re in the fuzz, and it can appear that you’ve hit the target.

Goals 101

Shoot at nothing and you’ll likely hit it, but, so what? What have you accomplished?

You can be very busy doing, and get nowhere.

It was time for me to take my own advice and learn more about Goals. I discovered there are:

Time Categories of Goals

1. Short-time goals – Changes and Improvements that can be accomplished in a few months to a year.

2. Long-time goals – Shaping yourself and your life that will potentially take years to complete.

3. Life-time goals – Results for these goals may take decades to realize.

Goals are reached in steps.

When the steps are carefully chosen, based on experience and study, the journey is quicker and more pleasant.

A coach is a good investment. Sometimes books, blogs, Internet search results can serve as coaches. Sometimes a flesh-and-blood coach is best.

Identify Your Goals

Get in an environment that encourages you to think, to reflect, to meditate. Have paper and pencil or your favorite device for recording your thoughts and ideas.

I like to work with noise in the background, the TV or music. That blocks out other intermittent noises that are distracting to me.

As you begin identifying goals you will undoubtedly include fuzzy ideas in your lists. That’s okay. It’s a starting point.

Create a written list, a Note on your phone, Google doc, something that you will have access to when a thought or insight pops.

Some prompts that might help you uncover your true goals:

>>You have met your Genie and have heard the fateful words, “You have three wishes to ask of me.” Only three. What would you wish for?

>>List what you DON’T want.

>>Describe your ideal self.

>>Write your eulogy.

>>What accomplishment idea motivates you to ‘get up and do’?

>>In Reflection mode: think about your life as a block-buster movie. What scenes and accomplishments would be featured?

Own Your Goals

Send me a copy of your list. I’m interested in what you want to accomplish. You can use the Comment box online or email me: eldon@eldonroberts.com

Oh, regarding my Goals for writing this blog and the content that I publish, I recently participated in a series of Webinars from Michael Hyatt which helped me clarify my purpose and my message.

Next week we’ll look at the 7 categories of goals and ways to build paths to accomplishment.

Increase Your Stamina

As we continue to work toward achieving your goals, let’s look at some physical and mental abilities that work for you to reach your goal.

 

PDF of this post: Increase Your Stamina

Audio:

The Connected Skill: Organization with its skills and habits moves you to your goal faster.

Disorganization is evident when you spend more than a few minutes looking for your materials and tools.

The good news is that you can get more organized.

I’d recommend that you identify a friend who is admired for being organized and enlist his or her help. Be open to change. Don’t get your feelings hurt when you discover that you have to make some changes to your habits.

The Connected Skill: Consistent Effort is a must to move you toward your goal.

Create a schedule on paper. Digital schedules and calendars are great, but a paper hanging on the wall will be seen more often and stick better in your memory. Plus others around you need to know, and can be useful to support and encourage you.

The Connected Skill: Persistent Effort is also critical in achieving your goal.

Doing the work once on a schedule will achieve only the weekly goal. Your long-term goal will require repeated effort over time – perhaps years.

The Connected Skill: Stamina refers to how much pain can you tolerate and still keep pushing toward your goal.

A lack of stamina is often the enemy that prevents people from reaching their goals.

The story is told of an old prospector who had been working his claim for years without finding gold. Finally he gave up. He traded his claim for 6 sticks of dynamite, went into the mine and blew himself up. The man with whom he had traded went into the blast area and discovered what turned out to be the richest gold strike in history.

We need Skills in:
Organization
Consistency
Persistence
Stamina

The lack of these connected skills will hinder you, perhaps even prevent you – from achieving your dreams.

How much stamina we will need is hidden from our view at the beginning of a mission. I have been writing and publishing my blog for over a year now. I don’t have hundreds of subscribers, nor am I banking any profits from the work.

A Previous post (Stamina Achieves Your Goals) encouraged you to create a goal over which you have control. My personal goals are 1) Publish a post each week, and 2) that my ideas and efforts will help someone. I know it has helped me.

It is my opinion that stamina is the most important from the list above.

The Wall Street Journal published an article about research done to better understand the relationship between performance and physical stamina.

Mental stamina is where physical stamina originates. So the information from the research is useful for those of us who are athletes of the mind.

The feeling of discouragement in continuing an effort, whether mental or physical, is really just a feeling. The good news is that feelings are under your control, and can be changed.

In practical terms, by changing our belief about how difficult the task is, we can change the results of our efforts.

Research has also shown that what we look at influences our achievement. Cyclists who were shown photos of smiling faces achieved a performance boost over when they were shown photos of frowning faces.

Perhaps the most powerful and widely applicable technique for changing how your brain interprets incoming signals is to train yourself with motivational self-talk.

Whether you’re conscious of it or not, you have an internal monologue running through your head during difficult tasks, and it has a measurable impact on how effortful you perceive those tasks to be.”

WSJ Appeared in the February 3, 2018, print edition as ‘Head Games The Mental Tricks Of Athletic Endurance.’

How could this be applied to mental stamina?

I propose a 5-Step Plan that will implement findings from the research.

 

Suggested Plan

1. Establish a written schedule, a day or days that you will work toward your goal

List each day

Schedule all of your events for each day

Lock in a time that you know will be available to work toward the chosen goal

You might begin with 1-day of work per week if you need to fit this into a regular work schedule.

2. Use Circuit Workouts; break the work time into a Work – Rest pattern.

Decide on a length of time per session

break the length into 12-15 minute bursts of undistracted work

followed by 3-5 minutes of rest

then back to the next workout.

3. Plan Recovery time in your schedule. This is different from the Circuit Cycle rest time.

For some, a good night’s sleep is all the recovery time they need.

For others it might be a day or two between episodes of work.

I recommend building a Sabbath into your weekly routine. Take the entire day off.

Maybe go to church; maybe do a family outing.

God time and Family time are both important.

4. Feed your mind with performance abilities advertisements

Read the writings of Self-Help and Self-Improvement gurus.

Carnegie, Hill, Ziglar…

5. Push your perceived abilities boundaries

Your mind has a Limit setting. An “I can’t do any more” switch.

Push to do more when you reach that limit.

 

Think about areas about which you regularly say, “I’m not good at that.” Write a list. Begin working on one or more of the listed skills. Get a teacher to help you.

Pushing into the skills you’re not good at or comfortable in will create growth in all areas.

Other factors that contribute to a life focused on achieving your goals:

Diet, what media you use to feed your brain, how much time you spend with screen media, the types and quantities of liquid intake, physical exercise, your overall health.

Reach out to me with comments or suggestions.

Thank you for reading.